What Is Love?

So I’ve realized that this blog has become like all of my diaries from when I was a child. I only write when I feel pain or sorrow. So far there has only been one thing this summer that I didn’t write about. I didn’t write about it because I didn’t want the person it was about to read what I had said. I didn’t want him to know how hurt I was. I was hurting so much and I didn’t want him to go here  and read this and then text me and either yell at me about going to the internet instead of just talking to him or give me a fake apology so I would consider him a good guy again. I want to talk about it but I’m supposed to pretend right now that I’m okay even if I’m not. I have to pretend that what he did, and sometimes still does, doesn’t bother me anymore. I have to go on and ignore my pain. I have to do this because I love him. I have to pretend that my pain never happened and that I didn’t cry myself to sleep every night for three weeks. I have to do this because my mind has told me that if I don’t then I don’t truly love him. Now I should mention that I have mentioned it to him and every time I did he gave me one of two responses. He would either tell me that I was just being stupid and paranoid or he would give me a fake apology or excuse. And I know what you’re thinking, “that’s not love”. Honestly I don’t know what to say to you. Here’s why, Love is different for everyone. For some people love is strength, passion, and partnership. For me Love is standing by someone’s side no matter what. 

Now I mentioned earlier that I write when something is going on. Something happened within the past couple of days that questions my definition of love. I feel the need to mention that in most situations the person talking about it likes to describe it as if they’re the victim. I don’t want to victimize myself and to make the other person look like an awful guy. I’m gonna give you every bit of this story and you can decide who you think is at fault and if you want to you can leave a comment telling me what you think should happen next. I’ll most likely update you you on what happens so if you are interested in the development I won’t leave you out unless you tell me that you don’t care. Now before I begin I’m going to apologize because I can only give you my side of the story because that’s the only side I have. Now that you understand, I’ll begin. 

There’s a guy, obviously, and I have strong feelings for him, again obviously. I’ve liked him for a while but something kept happening that would keep us apart. Now a little over a month ago, something happened where there was the chance that we could actually get to together. That made me extremely happy. We flirted for a couple weeks and everything began to feel right. It was amazing to text him all day and lay my head on his shoulder. Then we went off to band camp. I was so excited to spend the entire week talking to him whenever I could and hanging out with him during free time like we had planned. I showed up to camp a little bit later than everyone else because of other obligations and I sat in the back of my uncle’s car on the way there imagining the fun I’d have at my last band camp. I was picturing him in my mind and I couldn’t help getting excited. The first day felt perfect. He walked up to me as soon as I got there and then later that night we had a meeting with the people on our floor and he and I joked around. It was perfect. But the next day he started to ignore me and avoid me. At first I thought it was nothing and then I started hearing rumors about him and another girl in the band. I thought it was nothing more than rumors until I saw the way he looked at her. And from then on he continued to ignore me and avoid me. I fell apart. 

After a couple weeks he went back to flirting with me and everything felt right again. I chose to try to ignore the pain he had put me through because I love him so much. Then he started sitting with the girl from the rumors at band nights and he started talking about her a lot. I was hurt but I couldn’t let him know that. Then a couple of days ago I got a text from another male friend of mine asking if I wanted to hangout. The pain from the past few weeks flooded in and I agreed. I wanted to hangout with someone who I knew I could tell everything. I thought it would be okay but I made some decisions that I shouldn’t have made when I knew I had someone else. I mean I’m not dating anyone so technically it wasn’t entirely wrong but I knew that what I was doing was not something that I should do when I’m in love with a different person. And to make it worse I tried to lie about it to the guy that I love. Last night I told him everything. I didn’t tell him my reasoning behind it because I knew that it wouldn’t help. How would explaining my reasons for hurting him help the fact that I hurt the last person that I wanted to hurt. Now he’s upset and he has complete right to be but I don’t know what to do. I love him and yet I still hurt him. What could I do to ever make up for what i did? I don’t know what to do anymore. He means everything to me and there’s no way he’ll ever believed that again. If you have any advice I’d gladly accept it and definitely appreciate it. Other than that I think that’s all. I hoped you enjoyed our time together. I hope to post again real soon, hopefully not too soon lol. Bye y’all. Love ya!